Carl: Welcome once again to whatever it is we call this feature now. We're going to continue in our little holiday tradition thingy that we did at Thanksgiving and give you a special festive-like Christmassy story thing here in what we like to call:

WiiCafé Presents: "Just Like Thanksgiving...Only Christmas"

Carl: 'Twas the night before the overly commercialized celebration of the birth of the Christian savior, when in the chat room the staffers pretended we weren't all a bunch of geeks talking to each other online and that we were actually creating a living Hell at Christmas together. To make a long, stupid parody short, the party began.

Kevin: Yes, the party began. The fire burning, Carl hiding in the corner to keep his appearance hidden from the rest of us, Mike sitting at the bar nursing his beer, has the sullen and broken look of a man who has worked in retail. Bryan is busy trying to find some WWE programming on TV, and Silver is busy trying to steal an Aston Martin. A knock at the door is heard. Marcus, being the whipping boy he is, is sent to open the door. In the doorway stand Kevin and his lady friend, dressed moderately well, with a small bag of trinkets and baubles for everyone. They enter the room, take their coats off, and try to find Carl. Kevin runs into Marlow along the way, reminds him that he owes him a round at the pub, and continues down the hall.

Frozen: Kevin finally finds Carl sitting in a dark corner by himself and when approached Carl suddenly jerks into a ball, covering his face. He quickly yells out "DONT LOOK AT ME!" and Kevin slowly backs away to go find Dannielle, who is out back feeding her Yoshis. Kevin introduces Dannielle to his lady friend, whom he calls "Busty St. Claire." Dannielle gives Kevin a funny look, as she realizes it's nothing but a half naked blow up doll.

Marcus: Marcus looks at Kevin like he's a lunatic with the inflatable doll, and he asks Silver when they could open some presents. Silver replies, " Shut up Marcus, no wonder no one likes you." Carl murmurs in the corner in agreement. There's another knock on the door. Marcus opens the door again, and there is Joe with a bag of presents. Everyone applauds Joe for bringing in so many presents, but Joe says, "These aren't for you, they're all for me, you jackasses." Everyone groans and they go on about their business.

Marlow: Marlow is hanging out by the tree, picking up presents and shaking them, when he sees one that is oddly the shape of a 13 year old. Carl looks in, and sees the stunned look on Marlow's face and yells out "ZING!" eliciting groans from some, cheers from others (mostly cheers). Bryan has finally found a decent WWE Program, featuring Santa Claws and Rudolph the Drunk (Otherwise know as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Irishman).

Bryan: After realizing that WWE has sunken to new lows, Bryan turns off the TV. He then gets out his stash of presents and gives the first one to Marcus. It’s none other than Pokédolls. Marcus then runs to another room to play with them. Marcus runs off and Bryan gave the next present to...himself! It was a gold copy of Super Mario RPG. Bryan then said, "Screw all this, I’m going to my Super NES." He then went to the other room to play.

Mike: Mike finished the last of his glass and looked around in the room. Everyone was mingling, and no one was paying attention to him. Good. Stealthily, he picked up the bulging sack from under the bar - a miracle Kevin hadn't found it by now - and went into the nearby bedroom to change. With everything set, Mike hopped out the window and damn near fell in the middle of the Yoshi corral. That, and the fact it was friggin' freezing out here made Mike remember to collect some extra cash from Carl for all this.

Carl: Then, out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, Carl ran to the window to see what was the matters. He looked for the sash and realized he didn't know what the hell a sash was and just looked out the window. There, he saw a big goofy red dude wobbling around the Yoshi Armada, trying fiendishly not to be licked to death. Dannielle, being the sweetie that she is, kicked him in the nards and went inside. After a moment of lying on the ground twitching, a drunken Mike Twomey, after popping Kevin's doll which had been left out in the yard for no reason, and making an attempt at being Santa rang the doorbell.

* Mike is now known as Santa.

Santa: Carl opened up the door, and in Santa walked, a little worse for wear, but still holly and jolly and etc. "Merry Christmas, Staffers! Merry Christmas!" he boomed, and then dropped a stuffed sack of presents down in the middle of the floor, proceeding to hand them out one at a time. To Kevin, Santa handed a cylindrical package. "Now, be careful with that, little Kevin. I had to call in a favor from my old friend, Jack Daniels." "HE IS REAL!!!!" Kevin squealed and rushed off to try out his new gift. Santa then reached into a coat pocket, and lifted out a small box. "This one's for Marlow." Santa said. Shucking the paper, Marlow found the keys to an 83 Super Bird, the consummate Redneck mobile. Marlow jumped up and down, while Santa muttered "Friggin rednecks, always asking me to haul those damn things around. Lucky I haven't thrown out my back."

Marlow: Marlow quickly exclaims “WHAT THE BITCH YA' RED SUITED YANKEE FUCK!!!???” as he proceeds to knock Santa out.

Kevin: Kevin looks up from his bottle of Jack, sees the Red suited one on the floor, laughs, goes back to drinking.

Carl: Being the conniving, evil punk he is, Carl quickly takes Santy's wallet.

Santa: Santa struggled to his feet, then fires back "Hey Hillbilly, remember that song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Know where they got that? I was at your place one year and woke up your sister."

Frozen: Frozen suddenly walks in and notices the oddly dressed stranger. Fearing for the lives of his fellow staffers and the Yoshi Armada, he decides to act fast. He quickly unplugs Kevin's Xbox and runs into the room screaming "HOLY SHIT! IT'S SANTA! GET HIM!!!" then smacks him upside the head with the Xbox. "Grab the presents and leash up the reindeer! We'll be rich hawking this stuff on E-Bay!"

* Santa is now known as Mike.

Mike: Mike falls on the floor, bleeding from the head profusely and deeply unconscious.

Kevin: Kevin throws the bottle of Jack at Frozen, knocking him out, goes back to his house for a few minutes and then returns to the party. This time he has his real lady friend on his side, Azzy, as she is called. They enter the house, and most of the staffers’ jaws drop to the floor. "A staffer of mine? With a woman? What's that all about?" Carl asked.

Marlow: A surly Marlow objects, stating that he had had a woman friend at one point. Carl politely reminds him of the fact that it was a 13 year old, again yelling “ZING!”.

Kevin: Kevin and Azzy then slink off the a more secluded part of the house with a bottle of Captain Morgan, a container of strawberries, and a riding crop.

Carl: Carl then threw a dart at this "Azzy" to be sure of her realness, only to realize that she is real and has punctured her eye.

Kevin: Kevin grabs the dart, turns around with his ninja reflexes and throws the dart back at Carl, hitting him right in the groin.

Carl: Carl laughs as he reminds all that he never takes off his steal cup.

Kevin: "That's the most action he's seen in years," Kevin said to the on looking crowd. The party continues, with Santa bleeding on the floor, and Frozen laying on top of him in a mass of death.

Marcus: Marcus comes out of his room and yells, "What the hell is all that commotion?! Can't a guy play with his Pokédolls in peace?" Carl replies, " No guy plays with Pokédolls period. Therefore, you are not a guy." Marcus politely flips him off and moves on. Tom points out the bloody Santa on the floor and asks what happened. " Frozen smacked the crap out of Santa," Dannielle said. " With an Xbox, no doubt," Marcus replies.

Mike: An unintended kick from Carl forced Mike to wake up. Seeing what was going on, he shoved Frozen's comatose form off of him. In vengeance, he whips out the one real working dual-blade saber that wasn't caught by factory defects and slices off Frozen's right arm. "Bitch." he muttered as he stalked away. "Cities have been leveled using a Box like that."

Carl: Carl, realizing that yet another of his holiday parties was a huge feck-up, grabbed Mike's sack of goodies and started handing them out.

Kevin: Everyone gathers around Carl to see what lies in store.

Carl: For Silver, he pulled out a rather large, menacing sword.

Marcus: Silver looks at the sword and says, " Where the hell is my pistol?!" Mike hides behind Kevin and says, " I was tired of you pistol whipping everyone so I left it out. It was that or Metroid Prime, and it seemed everyone got that already, so I got you a sword." Silver mutters, but stabs Marcus in the back. " This'll do."

Carl: For Kevin, a little something special. A monkey by the name of Mr. Bip, who was damn near suffocated by the time it was pulled out of the bag.

Kevin: Kevin grabs the Monkey, who looks oddly similar to a small, Jewish film critic, and huggles him. The monkey looks at him, makes an awful "ackhum" sounding cough, and then puts its finger out. Kevin pulls the monkey's finger, and Mr. Bip farts. Azzy, with one eye bandaged, hands Mr. Bip a seltzer bottle full of toilet water, and tells him to spray Carl right in the face with it. He does as he is told.

Carl: After a quick recovery from the seltzer, Carl pulls out, for Marcus, a sign that says, "Hi, I'm Marcus, make fun of me."

Marcus: Marcus looks at the sign and decides that he should burn it because the leprechaun told him to.

Carl: For Dannielle, almost hesitantly, Carl pulled out a roasted Yoshi head with an apple in its mouth. Carl quickly pointed at Mike, and covered his head.

Mike: "DAMN YOUR EYES, DENOVIO!" Mike screamed as he ran from Dannielle and the Yoshi Legions, trying to placate her.

Carl: For Joe, a fresh new bag of empty cans.

Kevin: "Gee, thanks, boss. I can get about a buck ten for all these. If I weren't a guy, I'd hug you now." Joe looked at Carl with a glimmer and tear in his eye.

Carl: For Ves, Carl gave a new puppy, again, barely conscious.

Kevin: "U still an ass Carl" She said, making a "u" in the air with her finger.

Carl: Carl then pulled out some illicit drugs with no name on them. Figuring they were Mike's, he just threw them back in the bag. He found Tom's gift, a five-dollar bill and a card that says, "I couldn't think of anything to get you."

Kevin: "Porx on you, Carl, porx on you!" Tom said to Carl, with great disdain.

Mike: "THE MONEY'S FOR ME, THE BLOW'S FOR TOMMMMMMM....." Mike's voice trailed off as he ran past the crowd again, Yoshis hot on his heels.

Kevin: Kevin sticks his leg out, trips Mike, and watches the Yoshis eat him alive.

Mike: Mike dies, and proceeds up to Heaven. Upon entrance, he meets the Lord. "My Savior, on this, the anniversary of your birth, I ask of but one favor from you." "Yes, my son?" He replied. Mike whispered something into his ear. "No sweat," Sayeth the Lord. Mike then spent the rest of eternity turning Kevin's hooch into water.

Carl: For Chris, a new green tunic (as if his "I'm Link" delusion wasn't strong enough already).

Kevin: Chris puts on the tunic, grabs a wooden spoon and runs out the door screaming "The Triforce is mine, beyotches!"

Carl: For Marlow, a men's magazine and a note reading "These girls are over 18...ZING!"

Marlow: What’s the fun in that?

Kevin: Kevin gives Marlow a card reading "Duty to wax that booty" which entitles him to a free lap dance at the local strip joint.

Marlow: Marlow hugs Kevin and says: "Wanna go get that round now?"

Kevin: Kevin looks at Marlow, "Man," Kevin points at Azzy, "she gets to come along too."

Carl: For Frozen, a tool that aids in raw coding each page for the site.

Frozen: Frozen glares at Carl and exclaims "Aid? Frozen don't need not stinking aid!" then pulls a pocket knife out and stabs Carl.

Carl: Then, while bleeding profusely, for Bryan, Carl pulls out the entire collection of Wrestlemanias and Royal Rumbles on DVD.

Bryan: Bryan gasps and exclaims "Screw WWE! Go WWF!" and runs away to the other room to watch them all.

Carl: Finally, Carl finds his own gift.

Frozen: Just before Carl can pull out the gift that he got himself Silver bursts in and exclaims that he has a present for each of the staffers as well. He picks up a giant box marked with the THQ and Simon and Schuster logos and hands out free goodies to all. "Okay Carl, proceed with that whatever it was that you got yourself," Silver says.

Carl: Reminding Silver that this is Mike's bag of stuff, Carl proceeds again to find his own gift, a nice, tall glass of You're All Fired, Get the Hell Out of My House...Again.

The End